Facing the unfamiliar road means you have to face yourself, face the self that talks back to you and says Nooooo…!! You can’t do that, stay in your lane; what you have known, that is enough. Wouldn’t that be great if that’s all it said? But you and I know that the cacophony of chaos and disparate voices that resound in our heads continuously and consistently can be compelling and cancerous.
These compelling thoughts can lead us down destructive, pointless paths and worse: engulf and imprison us. I was there; I still struggle to not return there. Why do we allow this stranger to speak into our inner world and give it free reign to create such internal noise? Sometimes ‘she’ (let’s call her she for the sake of….yours may be a he), pops in with a subtle: you look so ugly today and then pops back out. Not much damage. You put on your lippy and out of the door. But more often for me she comes in, sits down, has a cup of tea, make’s her bed and moves in! Then begins the tirade: they did that better than you today; you’ll never be able to talk to them; you’re a failure; you can’t achieve that; you look too big in that; it’s too scary and on and on she goes…..blah de blah! And the worst part is that I invited her in, sometimes made the cup of tea and then entertained her. She became my friend: the comforting, destructive noise in my life.
How have I allowed you to speak so harshly to me, so convincingly and creatively; to be my constant companion, dialoguing with me? We actually engage and discuss and I assent to your misguided and soiled reasoning. The litany of nonsense noise masquerading as truth is deceptive. You shroud me and bury me with your company, you became my sounding board. You became vicious, criticising and insidious – dominating and demanding attention creating a different me (as Carl Jung might say a shadow me) and forcing my true self into the imprisonment of a coma. You swallowed me whole. Until there was no distinction between you and I and I believed you. My false self, became my lived self.
Then I realised that I could actually kick you out, silence you, even with the truth: Fill your minds and meditate on things that are true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst, the beautiful, not the ugly, things to praise, not things to curse Phil 4v8(MSG).
So hence the change, the transition: allowing God to help change the internal noise, the riot of chaos. Allowing Holy Spirit to transform and renew the attitude of my mind (Romans 12v2). Yes, it took and is taking energy but it takes energy to birth something new, right? To change the deep rooted neural pathways in the brain and kick out the destructive noise has been deeply difficult but rewarding. It took time, slow time. It took persistence, commitment and determination to extricate, to unpluck all that was opposed to that which is good and life enhancing.
Sometimes it took deep shouting to deafen embedded noise from its turf, from my company. And sometimes it was plain exhausting and I collapsed in her overwhelming presence. Sometimes there was full on combat, big guns blazing, blasting the noise but more often than not there was another discussion with her then a deletion, one sound at a time. Until I saw change, growth and allowed in a new ‘voice’ who speaks to me kindly, gently and positively. I gave myself space to change the story. The journey to living more authentically continues and I know this is not uniquely my story.
What’s your internal noise like? What is your ‘companion’, saying to you? Is she uplifting or is she gnawing away at your God created unique self? Do you need to kick her out, change the conversation and invite a new voice in that will propel you forward and move you more into purpose? Let’s have a conversation. I’ve let mine out, let yours out.
Please chat below and share your raw stuff.
The knowledge that his thoughts could be thus managed from without did not awake terror but rage…….. ‘Do you think I’m going to stand this?’ he yelled. ‘Get out of my brain. It isn’t yours, I tell you! Get out of it.’
Lewis, CS. (1990) The Cosmic Trilogy – Perelandra. London: The Bodley Head Ltd